Offensive Boyfriends

Sometimes in relationships there is abuse. The reasons for abuse are numerous, but no matter the reason, no one should abuse, or put up with abuse in a relationship. However, this is far easier said than done. The following is a look at the kinds of abuse most common in relationships, and what you should do if you have an abusive boyfriends.

1. Mental abuse. Relationships should help you feel good, and love yourself. Many people mentally abuse their girlfriends by telling them things like they are ugly, or that no one else could ever love them. This kind of abuse usually results in a shattering of self-esteem. The woman often can't leave her abuser because she feels worthless, and that no one else would ever love or appreciate her.

This is an abuse that happens over a long period of time, and usually is accompanied with periods of good treatment. So, the person feels like they really must be loved, but before their confidence can grow, the abuser will say or do something to make them feel inferior, stupid, ugly, and unwanted. Thus, indebted to the abuser for liking them despite their many flaws.

If you or someone you know suffers from this kind of abuse, trying to talk them into leaving is fruitless. The only way to help someone suffering from mental abuse is to help them build their esteem, and feel like they are of value. Once they like themselves, they will remove themselves from a situation where their significant other is degrading to them.

2. Physical abuse. This kind of abuse seems to be self-explanatory, but in many cases it is done in a subtle, or justifiable way. "Accidents", or a "loss of control" are blamed for the physical abuse, and the abuser is absolved of responsibility. The person being physically abused often blames himself or herself. If they had not forgotten to do what he asked, he would not have gotten mad and hit me. If I was smarter, prettier, better in bed, he would not get as angry with me. These kinds of thoughts are very common, and very destructive. This is why physical abusers have the power. People outside of the abuse often do not understand how the person would put up with it.

However, it is never as simple as that. They might feel they owe them something. They may feel that they can't do better. The victims of physical abuse usually feel indebted to their abuser for some service rendered in the past. They often have too low of esteem to walk away, or are afraid of the consequences.If you or someone you know suffers from physical abuse, it is critical that you are supportive, that you help them feel safe and welcome should they need a refuse. Threatening them will no work, as that is what the abuser does.

So, instead, help them build esteem. Help educated them about physical abuse and how it tends to escalate, and help them see what their other options are, including facilities that house and protect abused women.

Abuse is very serious, and it comes in many forms, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, mental abuse. The list goes on. Most victims of abuse have low self esteem and have been convinced that they somehow deserve the treatment. So, to help them, help their esteem.

What is Sexual Risk?

Few people would try to drive a car for the first time without getting some sort of instruction. Most of us know that before we can make a great soufflé we need to learn a bit about baking, and practice cracking eggs. Yet when it comes to sex, we are far too ready to rush into a decision without enough background information.

The first thing to understand about safer sex is that, like any sort of behavior in life, all sexual behavior carries some risk. Here are some examples of how sex can be risky:

1. You could be masturbating in your bed, fall off the bed and break your arm.
2. You are cautious about having sex with a new person, but decide to take the plunge. The sex is awkward, and the next day they break up with you in a really mean way.
3. You have unprotected oral sex with your partner and get a sexually transmitted disease.
4. You have what you think is a one night stand with someone who wants to move in with you the very next day.

There is risk in getting out of bed, in going to work or school, and in engaging in sexual behaviors both by yourself and with others.

So the goal is not to have “risk-free” sex, because it doesn’t exist. The goal is for you to understand the risks you are taking, to choose what risks to take and not to take, and to make these decisions on your own, without too much influence from:

• Parents
• Partners
• Social pressure
• Drugs or alcohol
• A host of other external factors

Understanding sexual risk is all about taking the time to make choices, rather than diving into a situation without thinking.

Because most of us don’t get the chance to learn a lot about sex, and we aren’t really allowed to talk about it much, we tend to make decisions without the kind of information we need to make good decisions.

Ultimately sexual risks are the potential negative consequences from sexual behavior and activities. The most obvious examples of this are sexually transmitted diseases. So when you think about having safer sex, of course think about the ways you can protect yourself and your partner from sexually transmitted diseases, but also consider more broadly the way you make sexual choices without thinking, and the ways you can bring more thoughtfulness to your sexual decision making.

Can any Good come from Jealousy?

Is jealousy a sign of love? Does it induce commitment? Does it teach people to not take their relationship for granted? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you're in good company, because various researchers and marriage counselors have come to the same conclusions.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that feeling jealous — or attempting to make your mate jealous — is a desirable feeling. In fact, psychologist Ayala Pines argues in the book “Romantic Jealousy” that there are some profoundly negative effects of jealousy. They include: causing physical and emotional distress to you or to someone you care about; straining a relationship; driving a partner away; restricting a partner's freedom; distorting your partner's emotions (and your own), wasting time that could be spent more enjoyably — and the possibility that you could trigger such intense emotions that your relationship could turn violent. So jealousy is not something I tend to recommend to my patients.

All the same, some good can indeed come out of jealousy. Pines documents several positive effects of jealousy, which are:

Jealousy makes people examine their relationship. Romantic jealousy, with all the emotional and physical turmoil it generates, provides people with an opportunity to examine such questions as: “What does this experience tell me about myself, my partner and our relationship? Is this the kind or relationship I want for myself? What can I do to change things?” Most people would probably never do such self-examination if they were not in the midst of emotional turmoil.

Jealousy teaches people to not take each other for granted. All too often, when we feel reassured of our partner's love and commitment, we start to take that love for granted. We make demands we would have never made during the courtship stage, and we would not make of others. Our partner becomes the person in our lives who is “supposed” to understand our work pressures, our all-absorbing involvement with our children, our friends and our interests. In effect, we permit ourselves to give these other involvements a higher priority than we do the relationship. The threat of a third person stops this over-involvement with other things or people, and brings the focus back to the couple.

Jealousy is a sign of love. If a person is on the receiving end of a partner's jealousy — and sees that jealousy as a sign of love — that stance tends to free up the couple to get through the issue more quickly and constructively.

Jealousy is an instrument for inducing commitment. A jealousy crisis, which makes the person aware of a competitor for his partner and the chance of losing the relationship, becomes the trigger that often induces commitment. Since men may more often fear commitment than women, this may explain why women are more likely to induce jealousy than are men.

Jealousy intensifies emotions and adds passion to sex. Jealousy makes one's partner look more desirable. Just as children find the toy they have neglected to be more interesting when someone else shows an interest in it, an adult's fear of losing what they have come to take for granted makes them realize just how desirable it is. All of a sudden they notice the wonderful qualities that made them fall in love in the first place. Thus jealousy can bring excitement to a listless relationship, because in the midst of a jealousy crisis, people are no longer bored. Similarly, jealousy can also make a couple more passionate and sexually excited about each other. Passionate sex depends on emotional arousal, and jealousy, as we well know, can be extremely arousing emotionally.

Jealousy protects love. A jealousy crisis can serve as a reminder to both partners of how important they are to each other. Thus jealousy can restore the relationship to being the number one priority.

I am not proposing that you seek out jealousy in your relationship, only that there are some redeeming aspects to it if you happen to go through it.

What are Factors of Real Love?

All of us have different opinions about love, but very few can define it. This is considered as a universal and inconsistent emotion and thus is difficult to define.

Attraction

If we consider the beginning of a feeling of love, it usually starts when some one turns you on. And you get turned on because you like some observable qualities in that person. This is the physical attraction you feel for a person. This is a stage where most people, make wrong decisions. It is because they can't differentiate between physical attraction and love.

Compatibility

Then begins the journey. When you start knowing the person more, then you tend to realize that a person comes with both the positive things and the negative attributes as well. This is the time when people weight their compatibility.

Time as a factor

Sometimes our intellectual abilities can be a hindrance in selecting a partner. love for some is considered as a factor that cannot be assessed by our intellect. Time is the best way to analyze if a relationship would work or not. So you can answer simple questions like Do I want to spend the rest of my life with this person or not?

Science and love

The latest trend of making sure two people are really in love with each other is by the use of something called Biomatching. For this you don't have to follow the traditional method, which believes in the test of time. If you look for potential partners at random, there is a chance that you just feel like you love a person and would miss the actual feeling of being in love.